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Poetry by
Pieter Frederik Keesen
Country: Netherlands
The Grim Gayza of Amsterdam
The most ultimate condition of pain,
is to live without wanting to do so,
the tortures of being aware of your very own existential dilemmas.
That you promised for an instance
To stay alive for the sack of others.
The promises made to a parent or two
That you promised your one and only friend.
To continue to live to take care of your loving dog,
perhaps even to stay alive for there is the doubtful possibility of a God.
Yet in vain!
For all you can think of those many months now,
is how the hell you want to kill yourself.
The sensations of what is called the misery of a lasting heartache.
Dreaming of Phantoms and Sirenes
To dwell on crowdie boulevards among the hardworking citizens
People with angry unknown faces which are silver plated
Seeing the modern toils to be no good
Then I long for the swagger of my filthy leather booths
Mr. SS Obergruppenfuhrer and his contaminated trench terror blood
How lonely do you think I feel then,
When I contemplate my own death,
about who I will miss after I am finally gone?
While I dream of kind people who might miss me in return,
how guilty I make them feel by killing my very own remains
By being so typically stubborn and stern
The miscellaneous vengeance I take by means of suicide
These are the pitiful thoughts that occur
while the people on the street and in supermarkets laugh at me,
when the more “normal” and reserved folks stare at me,
how the ugly inhabitants of this World humiliate me
All strangers,
no friends,
no lover,
everybody is paranoid and alien,
more happy then I will ever be,
more human and not astray like me
I tell myself dear Gayza
You missed the great change of life it seems at times,
You don’t have that courage to be young and learned.
You and me are twenty four years old now,
unemployed and in corporal decline
These frustrations make me so very angry,
or on a day as today
just plainly sad somehow
Truly Sir, …
that is the sole duplicitous scope of my persona and emotions
There seems to be no escape from the self and my more then silly devotions
I feel tramped and hopeless when I am outdoors,
haunted and ridiculed or even worse
So I shelter in my little room and feel again like a lost émigré,
unwanted and unwelcome, drugged into oblivion just to forget
I really hope for some bodies fiend to slain me now
Or even better,
to slaughter all and sundry living on this God for sac ken Tower Town
To save the day before that moment comes
When I pull the trigger on myself
and be that sad white faced bathtub clown
Because I am waiting for a tragedy to contain me,
a dormant misfortune that is already there
To be imprisoned or get shot death
So no poor fuck,
a he or a she who might cross my vehement path,
does suffer the consequences of my solitary wrath
That would after all be truly a feat
an injustice and personal defeat
So in Limbo between the walls I endure
My final grasp rests only to be words for now
They are as the final stand of my antiquated moral
Traditional leftovers from my Dutch education and upbringing
The idea of order, erudition and beauty
That inspiration of an imagined but rich booty
Believes gone blind as if like an illegible compass in the night
Making the navigations endless through the days of tonight
Please Madam, please don’t let my life end this way
Nothing and nobody seems good enough this very May.
PFK
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Ave
Maria
Oh hunger me -I long for thee
These woman I still want to eat
The Mother you once were to me
The desire to last in stone and groans
The woman who can bring solace
Yes the woman you are
Who did not suffer me
Suffer me personally
Yet your spirit lives in me
You who abandoned me as well
How I embarked twice to be free
Embraced a journey called my life
The life of the Mephisto Man
Ave Maria I greet you again
From a place in the shade
I need you again Maria
I need you more then ever
Come to me and give me hope
The faith to respect life someway
Because I detest all that other
All the other Mothers who bother
Ave Maria Ave
See for once how sick I am today
Perhaps not so much in my deeds
How a coward can hurt most monstrously
But see on this bright night how
I look upon all woman broadway
And feel repulsed by their sight
Enraged as I am by female game
The games they want me to play
Recreation of woman recreating
Angst for misunderstanding I fear
Feminine dissatisfaction and wimps
I fear their fear for transformation
So don't touch me please
I do not need a need for you
Them who do not allow me
Me to be who I am finally
Ave Maria
Restore the peace
Ave Maria
Find me a Mother for my children
Please Mother make me forget the pain
PFK
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